"Are You There, Prozac? It's Me, Hilary."

Haven't posted for awhile. Right now I'm totally caffeinated and feel like I have something to say but don't know what to say or how to even say it. I seem to have that problem a lot, I think. I have all these big ideas but when it comes time to verbalize them in front of people, I suddenly forget how to form flowing, coherent sentences. Do I live in my head too much? Do I lack the confidence to speak? Maybe a little of both. For as bold as I sell myself to be, when it comes down to it, I really feel that I am un-dynamic.

But how do I define "dynamic"? Well-spoken, confident, daring, adaptable, skilled, knowledgeable, sociable, experienced, graceful, able to look good in day or evening wear, and able to pull it all off effortlessly, or at least give the illusion that effort is not required.

I'm not much of an "illusionist". There's my first problem. I'm a bit raw. Nothin' wrong with that except it's not in my definition of "dynamic".

S'pose by selling myself as "bold", I'm creating the illusion that I'm dynamic. But I'm not. I don't speak intelligently, I lack confidence, and I live in my head. My version of "day wear" and "evening wear" is scrubs n' tennis shoes (day) vs. cargo capri pants n' flip flops (eve). My skills are limited to bedpans, warm-hearted one-liners, and a pretty smile. I know random bits of trivia which may dazzle some people, but even when innovative ideas get sparked by my useless trivia, those ideas seem to disintegrate. Then, if I google my inspirations and curiosities, much of what I learn gets fragged in my mind somehow. That's why I can't form cohesive sentences on intelligent topics during conversation. My mind is fragged and can't extract the info in the time and order that I need it.

My mind needs a defrag.

I need to practice confidence and socializing. I never know what to say. I can only learn that kind of skill from others at this point, I think. I'm able to learn it, but then I also need the confidence to apply it.

Why? Why can't I just be happy with being socially retarded? And raw and clumsy and shameless. There's a boldness in that. There's a effortlessness in that. I mean, it would take more effort to try to be something I'm not. I'd really like to grow, though.

For f's sake. I'm 30. This post sounds like the ramblings of a 16 year old.

Like everyone else, I'm a work in progress (OMG, that sounds so...Oprah) and I'm never gonna be the dynamo I thought I would be by now. But I'm not afraid to admit that. I'm not afraid to get wrinkles, either. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'd really rather not be, but if that's what being innately socially goofy gets me, then so be it. I'm not afraid that I have no future, cuz I do have one. I'm confident that I'll keep learning new things, everyday, whether they stick in my head or not. I'm not afraid to help people when they need it. I'm not afraid to try things.

Like everyone else, I'm really just here killin' time till the end. Don't know why we're here or how long we're gonna be here, so perfection, "dynamicism", all that,is kinda vain and doesn't really matter too much, I suppose. That being said, moping over one's own insecurities is vain,too. ;)

Guess it's time for a quote. I'm gonna be thoughtful about this one.

"I've made millions of mistakes. Shed millions of tears. 1,000,000 profanities. Millions of missed opportunities. One million acts of jealousy. One million glances stolen from across the room. Millions of what ifs. Feeling one million miles away from home. I've hesitated for one million wrong reasons and rushed into outcomes one million times worse than before. I've lied one million times. One million hidden truths. I've heard one million unwritten love songs. 1,000,000 thoughts about ending it all. 1 million wasted thoughts on millions of useless ideas. One million people I don't know in this city. That song for that girl replayed one million times. One million fairytale endings that will never come true. One million stars above my head. One million grains of sand beneath my feet. One million acts of shame. One million burned bridges. One million sighs. One million cries for help. One million emotional deaths.
And yet....absolutely no regrets.
(Pssst.....one million isn't as big as you think)
-Herschell

(dunno who this is, but it's a nice quote. it reminds me that things are big and small and valid and silly at the same time. just shrug your shoulders, and enjoy the ride, basically.)

*sigh* *shrug* *smile*
thanks for your time.