Loose Change

My life is better than it's ever been. Why do I fight with myself?

2009-11-29T20:48:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I can act like such a baby.
I'm embarrassed. I quietly told the man who I love so much to leave me alone when all he was trying to do was comfort me. I told him to go away from me so that he wouldn't see me in such a dark, foul, fucked up state of mind. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't because I have homework to do,AGAIN, which is why I was so pissed in the first place.Why did I push him away?
I grew up around people who were dark clouds; ticking time-bombs at times. It was scary. Unpleasant. And very immature and unnecessary, I thought. I promised I'd never be that person. I never want to bring that unpleasantness into my loving home.
But here I am. And I feel ridiculous. I am sitting in the bedroom with the door shut closing out the one person who makes me feel so loved.

Don't read my blog until I graduate. Until then, this is my dumping ground for all my negative, emo, bullshit thoughts.

2009-11-19T06:38:00.000-08:00

I think that's a fair warning.

Like a pair of old shoes

2009-11-19T06:36:00.000-08:00

Once again, school is sucking the life out of my relationships.

without dark, there is no light

2009-09-17T20:59:00.000-07:00

adrift
on the
water.

panic.
struggle.
sinking
deeper.
faster.

under
the
surface.

icy.
lonely.
dark.
quiet.
unknown,
yet
familiar.

hit
the
bottom.

acknowledge.
accept.
adjust.
close
eyes.
inhale.

drown........

drown.....

drown...

peace...

peace..

float.

float...

float......

up.

(weightless)

breech
the
surface.
sun.
warmth.
sounds.
smells.
sweetness.
awaken.
light.
love.
relief.

relax.
enjoy.
flow.
think.

acknowledge.
accept.
adjust.
grow.
drift.
live....

peace...

peace..

peace.

Breakfast in Bed...with Barack!

2009-07-01T12:28:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, no sex was involved. I was a friend of the Obama's and Barack and I were just kickin' it, clothes on, on top of the covers, in a waterbed (as is customary, I suppose) watching TV. There was a box of Fruity Pebbles on the nightstand. It tumbled over and, like, waves of Fruity Pebbles were pouring out so we started "splashing" Fruity Pebbles on each other.Then we just started burying ourselves up to the neck with the stuff. I jokingly asked him if he had hired help to clean it up. He said, "Yeah- I could call Lauren. Hahaha! She wears too much mascara."
The End.
Fucking bizarre.

Semester Blues or There Are Tiny, Starving Kids, With Cleft Lips and No Legs, In Asia Who Would Love To "Suffer" Like This. Just Fucking Handle It

2009-04-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

7 a.m.
*Alarm buzz*
Wake up
Shower
Twitter
Food
Coffee
Hair
Clothes
Where are my keys?
Where's my phone?
Where's my books?
Love you, Dom *kiss* bye!
Start the car
F*ck, where's my wallet?
Found the wallet
School
*daydreaming about: Dominic. Maybe I should build a garden box this summer. I haven't made raisins for a long time. *dirty thoughts* gotta go to the gym today. that guy in ER was crazy. need to clean the apt. Did I forget the staff meeting at work again? What's for lunch? When am I gonna be able to do laundry? Poverty, homelessness, war. Oh sh*t, when are those assignments due? The ones that take hours to finish yet have nothing to do with nursing in the real world? I have to pee. Jadyn.*

Gym- Thinking I shouldn't be here. I have stuff to do. I've gained 10 lbs in the last four months, though. I can't get as big as I was.

Home from school
Hi Jadyn! *hugs* Can't play sweetie, I have homework to do.
Hi Dom! Can't talk, relax, contribute anything to the relationship, or watch cool internets with you, baby, I have homework to do.
*detatch*
*pout*
*hate myself a little for being so uptight*

Leave to do homework
Ugh!Where ARE my keys?

Sit at the Flying M till my ass hurts and my brain is numb.
-Hmm. Wait. Switch that?-
Sit at the Flyin M till my ass is numb and my brain hurts.

*Associating medicine and health care with anxiety. I don't want to be a nurse anymore. My passion for it is dying. Who did I think I am, trying to go to college, anyway? What am I going to do with myself? My spark is suffocating*

The keys are missing again.
Found them! They are in my pocket that I checked 10 times.

Maybe I'll go out
(When I'm out, I'm thinking I can't be here, I still have stuff to do. But I'm so tired of not having any friends because I always have stuff to do.I feel lonely, needy, pathetic.)

Home finally.
Hey baby! *big, BIG hugs and lots of kisses* Scratch his back.
Food
Jammies
A bit o'LOST or part of a movie
Sleep (maybe)
Repeat 4 days a week x 15 weeks

(Add weekends. Twelve hour day shifts Fri, Sat, Sun. But it's ok. Work is what keeps me sane. Patient care forces me outta my head.)

Thankful to be accepted into a program. Thankful for my job. Thankful for Dominic's patience. Thankful for many things.

One more year. All this will be worth it.
*exhale*

Tweeting pre-twitter. It's called "taking notes"

2009-03-20T04:15:00.000-07:00

3/19
18:15
-Made it through TSA at BOI. They needed to pat me down. I guess I just have that affect on people.
18:17
-@Geekdom needs food badly.
1820
-Eyeing the arcade. All my faves are there- pinball, racecar, and kiddie rides. I'm serious.
1822
-Quizno's for @Geekdom=win. "11 bucks for this! Well, with the water it's 11 bucks"=FAIL
-Watching @Geekdom fight with his poorly constructed sandwich. It keeps falling apart. He manages to stay on top of it's game, though.
1825
"People judge a city by it's airport food. "Boise sucks. The food at the airport is terrible.'"--@Geekdom
1845
-Spent $1 on 5 minutes of pinball though I have my DS with me.
1900
-So we board on the back end of the plane. Which end of Oceanic 815 made it to the island?
1925
-Sitting on plane. Made @Geekdom an iPod holder out of a barf bag a la http://tinyurl.com/clvxrv
1928
-Oh, hai, Dr. Who works at St.Al's! (Shit. Wait. Didn't Oceanic 815 have a Dr. on it?)
1930
-TAKE OFF >:D This is the BEST PART!
1945
-No Sky Mall catalog. Booo.

1945 (Pacific time)
-Mt Ranier looks gorgeous. All white and covered with clouds. Looks like a huge pile of mashed potatoes. This means something.....

2015
-Our gate for the next flight is S-Gate. STARGATE!!!

2040
- BK (BrightKite) Checking in at Anthony's Restaurant Seattle Airport.

2050
- Oh man. Blackened Halibut tacos at Anthony's. Mega Yum :9

2150
-Killin time before our red eye flight
2250
-Yes!!! Sky Mall!!!
2300
-Watching Diggnation SXSW w/ @Geekdom. Funny stuff.

2330
-Never flown at night before.

0530 (Eastern Time)
-Landing. It's fun in the My-GOD-I-hope-we-don't-bounce-off-the-runway-sort of way.

0600 (Eastern Time)
-Watching the sunrise at Detroit airport :)

Philosophizing about growing pangs/pains

2009-01-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

I like growing. I crave it. I'm excited by new possibilities. I jump head first into them. Sometimes, however, new experiences lead to new introspection which leads to insights that may or may not be so positive.
What do people do once they realize that, through the process of their own experiences and introspection, that they have lead themselves to a point of view which is no longer copasetic with their current state of being?
In other words, is a bird in the hand really worth two in the bush? Am I sacrificing what I know I want for something I think is better for now?
Is this new possibility too new? Am I ready for it? Have other people felt this way in their lives? How often? And what do they do about it?

Us and Them

2008-11-02T14:34:00.000-08:00

I've squished a lot of bugs in my time. Ants, especially as of late. It must be really tough to be an insect what with all these people around. We squish them. We run over them. We suck them up with our vacuums. We rinse them in scalding hot water and send them down the drain (Calm down. I only use scalding hot if it's a big one and I feel the need to stun it first for my own safety. Other wise, a comfy tepid temperature will do.) We unleash various forms of chemical warfare on them (Lysol seems to be a good cheap insecticide. For me anyway. And cinnamon. Ants really don't like cinnamon. Plus, it's such a fine dust that it clogs their networks of tracheas that they breathe through and they asphyxiate. Take that nugget with you when you audition for Jeopardy!. You'll be a shoe-in. But I digress....).
We also unwittingly house them and feed them. Sometimes, they feed on us (mosquitoes,ticks and such). And ya know, they were on this planet first. We must seem like parasites to them. If you follow that line of reasoning, we live off their land; some of us eat them. We can die from infestations and bites. They can kill us. We have a sort of reciprocal host/parasite relationship with them. This goes for most species on the planet really. That's another post altogether, though.
My point is....as our population increases and each one of us kills more and more insects, do they adapt by breeding more and more? Do their populations grow with ours? Insects outnumber us, I think. But just to stay ahead of us, do they breed more if we do? I just wonder if there's been a study on this. That's all.

"Are You There, Prozac? It's Me, Hilary."

2008-06-27T16:34:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted for awhile. Right now I'm totally caffeinated and feel like I have something to say but don't know what to say or how to even say it. I seem to have that problem a lot, I think. I have all these big ideas but when it comes time to verbalize them in front of people, I suddenly forget how to form flowing, coherent sentences. Do I live in my head too much? Do I lack the confidence to speak? Maybe a little of both. For as bold as I sell myself to be, when it comes down to it, I really feel that I am un-dynamic.

But how do I define "dynamic"? Well-spoken, confident, daring, adaptable, skilled, knowledgeable, sociable, experienced, graceful, able to look good in day or evening wear, and able to pull it all off effortlessly, or at least give the illusion that effort is not required.

I'm not much of an "illusionist". There's my first problem. I'm a bit raw. Nothin' wrong with that except it's not in my definition of "dynamic".

S'pose by selling myself as "bold", I'm creating the illusion that I'm dynamic. But I'm not. I don't speak intelligently, I lack confidence, and I live in my head. My version of "day wear" and "evening wear" is scrubs n' tennis shoes (day) vs. cargo capri pants n' flip flops (eve). My skills are limited to bedpans, warm-hearted one-liners, and a pretty smile. I know random bits of trivia which may dazzle some people, but even when innovative ideas get sparked by my useless trivia, those ideas seem to disintegrate. Then, if I google my inspirations and curiosities, much of what I learn gets fragged in my mind somehow. That's why I can't form cohesive sentences on intelligent topics during conversation. My mind is fragged and can't extract the info in the time and order that I need it.

My mind needs a defrag.

I need to practice confidence and socializing. I never know what to say. I can only learn that kind of skill from others at this point, I think. I'm able to learn it, but then I also need the confidence to apply it.

Why? Why can't I just be happy with being socially retarded? And raw and clumsy and shameless. There's a boldness in that. There's a effortlessness in that. I mean, it would take more effort to try to be something I'm not. I'd really like to grow, though.

For f's sake. I'm 30. This post sounds like the ramblings of a 16 year old.

Like everyone else, I'm a work in progress (OMG, that sounds so...Oprah) and I'm never gonna be the dynamo I thought I would be by now. But I'm not afraid to admit that. I'm not afraid to get wrinkles, either. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'd really rather not be, but if that's what being innately socially goofy gets me, then so be it. I'm not afraid that I have no future, cuz I do have one. I'm confident that I'll keep learning new things, everyday, whether they stick in my head or not. I'm not afraid to help people when they need it. I'm not afraid to try things.

Like everyone else, I'm really just here killin' time till the end. Don't know why we're here or how long we're gonna be here, so perfection, "dynamicism", all that,is kinda vain and doesn't really matter too much, I suppose. That being said, moping over one's own insecurities is vain,too. ;)

Guess it's time for a quote. I'm gonna be thoughtful about this one.

"I've made millions of mistakes. Shed millions of tears. 1,000,000 profanities. Millions of missed opportunities. One million acts of jealousy. One million glances stolen from across the room. Millions of what ifs. Feeling one million miles away from home. I've hesitated for one million wrong reasons and rushed into outcomes one million times worse than before. I've lied one million times. One million hidden truths. I've heard one million unwritten love songs. 1,000,000 thoughts about ending it all. 1 million wasted thoughts on millions of useless ideas. One million people I don't know in this city. That song for that girl replayed one million times. One million fairytale endings that will never come true. One million stars above my head. One million grains of sand beneath my feet. One million acts of shame. One million burned bridges. One million sighs. One million cries for help. One million emotional deaths.
And yet....absolutely no regrets.
(Pssst.....one million isn't as big as you think)
-Herschell

(dunno who this is, but it's a nice quote. it reminds me that things are big and small and valid and silly at the same time. just shrug your shoulders, and enjoy the ride, basically.)

*sigh* *shrug* *smile*
thanks for your time.

there's plenty of fish in the sea, dear

2008-06-03T02:18:00.000-07:00

*sigh* still no phone. maybe it left because it has seen my posts and is embarrassed to be associated w/me. :( i thought we had so much going for us, though......

oh well. i'm not hurt. there will be others. i'm still young and beautiful and plenty capable of getting other phones. perhaps one day i'll find "the one"-the special phone that will want to stay with me forever.

now i just need to figure out what i'm going to do about the giant tat on my back that says "celly 4 eva" in old english. :I

separation anxiety

2008-05-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

can't blog. too tired. oh, btw, anyone seen my cell phone? it's a red flip phone. it's name is "celly", i guess, and it's either lost, kidnapped, or has run away.

(standing at my kitchen window,which i have dramatically flung open, i raise my cupped hands to my mouth as if to form a bull horn and cry out into the night sky)
"CELLY!!! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME! PLEEEEASE COOOMMME HOOOME!! MAMMA MISSES YOU SO, SO MUCH!"

(shut the window)

there. that oughtta take care of that problem.

quote-"armour yourself with light and engage"- a church marquee :)

g'nite

what a time suck....in the most delightful way!

2008-05-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

i believe to be the first diagnosed sufferer of the condition called "A.D.D2.0". It's a condition where a person manifests a short attention span immediately after being presented with hyperlinks, "search" boxes, and social networking login pages. The condition is diagnosed by 1) the number of tabs you have open 2) the number of pages you have "bookmarked" 3)the inability to remember what you initially sat down to "google" 2 hours after sitting at the computer.
talk to your dr. if you have any concerns or are experiencing any of these symptoms.

.......on second thought, try googling it first. then ask anyone in Yahoo! answers and twitter and facebook, and myspace, etc if they know anything about it. in the meantime, while you're waiting for responses, go to youtube and amuse yourself. don't forget to keep checking back w/your internet friends every 5 mins. then go to amazon to see if they have that one movie you wanted. the one with that guy from that other movie? prolly should open another tab and go "IMDB" and figure out what movie it is. had a killer sountrack, too. i wonder if they have that soundtrack available to download? better open another tab ....... (and it begins again..) :)

eyes on the prize

2008-05-29T18:26:00.000-07:00

courtesy of tyson-
"the chief cause of failure is giving up what we want most for what we want at the moment"

BRAH-VO, sir. too true. too true.

the trick is to find out what it is we truly want......

get a pen and paper ready

2008-05-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

wow. drawing a blank. want to blog but i don't know what to write.
hmmm. just got an idea for a game. this could be a fun game. i'll give you a list of my thoughts as they come to me, and you can come up with your own blog about them. ready? BEGIN-

" I have megalo-manic tendencies"
"what was the quote for yesterday"
"mmmm-hot, nasty, clothespinned, hog-tied, romance"
"my tire needs air"
"i don't regret swimming in public with fiercely hairy armpits"
"what can i talk about that's deep;not random fluff?"
" i love the phrase 'douche-bag'"
"$8 for a 1 lb bag of rice?"

that's all the thoughts for now.

whoever makes the best blog wins.

title:"Thanks for reading mah stuff!" or "No,Tyson-why would YOU blog?"

2008-05-28T09:32:00.000-07:00

So, this question has been presented to me twice, once directly and once indirectly-why do you blog? When Tyson,the "murse" apprentice, asked me this directly, I said," *shrug* Cuz I like attention? I dunno. It's fun." When my cousin Michelle asked me this- actually she didn't ask me why I blog-she made a comment in an e-mail that corralled my thoughts toward the question. She said that she doesn't blog because her life just isn't that interesting. Um, she has a 3-yr old. I'm sure that is like watching paint dry. :) Anyway-thinking on it, I decided my life isn't that interesting either, so why do I blog? Besides liking to write, who do I think I am that people want to read my stuff?

I brought this up to my Dom-zilla and he had a good point. He said that people want to try to make an impact somehow. Maybe not huge, cathartic impacts. But just enough to try to get someone to see through a different perspective. It's a neat feeling to read or hear what someone else is saying and think,"Wow. Never thought it like that before."

I guess that's what communicating, through whatever technology (or manners, for that matter) is all about. From the first cave painting, to the prinitng press, telegraph, photograph, phonograph, telephone, microphone, satellite, internet-it's about establishing connections somehow. Finding a way to relate to the world. So I guess that's why I blog.

That- and I like attention ;p

tomato, ta-mah-to

2008-05-27T19:04:00.001-07:00

quote o' day

"Handle it."
- Kasey Kasey, the night "murse" (male nurse).

Actually, his version of it goes "*wink* Stop your damn whining and handle it." which was meant in the most flattering of ways, of course. What he meant to say say was," I trust your judgement, Hilary. Please, with your capable hands and intuitive mind, astound me with the way in which you can handle this situation." I don't quite remember what the situation was, but I do remember him saying "Handle it" and my feeling inspired.

2008-05-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

you know- it's only been about a year that i've truly been able to have my own computer and access to the web -ever. i'm beginning to think i'll need to check into rehab soon if i can't limit myself on it. the last 6 months seem especially sucked away by internet stuff. hmm.

'cuz i've got one hand on hot pockets and the other one is choosing a banana

2008-05-26T22:43:00.000-07:00

let's see. what should the quote for today be? i choose them randomly so i should just close my eyes and point to one and then post the one i point to. ima do that right..... now

"You know better...."- (no source, but everyone's heard it from someone)

That quote doesn't seem very prolific, but it is. If more people employed that phrase, I'm sure things would be different. I don't believe reality t.v. would be allowed on the air, for one thing. I don't believe I would wrestle w/ Hot Pocket consumption because I know better. The problem is that a person's "knowledge of better" is relative and subject to all kinds of variables. I would try to elaborate on that with something witty and kinda "out there", but based on my re-reads of previous posts, I know better. :)

quotey-quotes

2008-05-25T09:01:00.000-07:00

oh yeah, quotes!

yesterday-"be a warrior of the open heart" - a horoscope page

today-"question everything. find your own light."- buddha

ain't no thang

2008-05-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

on break at work. feeling mellow. :)

this post sounds more like a "tweet" than a blog. just as well. twitter is having capacity issues.
i'm sure "@(someone) " will appreciate me updating here, on my own little space, rather than take up their twitter space with the minutia of my life.

i'm a giver.

"can't sleep. jim carey will kill me"- and other motivational quotes

2008-05-23T22:53:00.000-07:00

i have a quote page. i was gonna post the entire thing, but decided that doing the "quote a day" thing might be more cool (thanks for the idea, Domilicious.) (Oo-he might be embarrassed that I called him "Domilicious" on a public site, OR he might be proud. Hmm.) Some of these quotes I don't have sources for-hope I don't run into any copyright infringement issues. That being said, here's my quote for Fri. May 23
(OMG! Freaky! I just finished watching the movie "Number 23". I'm so not kidding. Ask Dom-a-roni)

That's not the quote. I just spewed what I was thinking.

Sh**. seriously freaky.

That's also not the quote. I'm just trippin a bit.

(Really? "sh**. seriously freaky." has- you guessed it-23 characters. not even planned....) ME-SUH GONNA DIE!!!! :0

k so the quote for today is my fave-
"At the center of the universe is a loving heart that continues to beat and that wants the best for every person. Anything we can do to help foster the intellect and spirit and emotional growth of our fellow human beings, that is our job. Those of us who have this particular vision must continue against all odds. Life is for service." Fred Rogers

Yes, that's MISTER Rogers. You know- our neighbor, trolley curator, and master of puppets Mr. Rogers. Cool, huh?

Happy to share the quote. Scared to sleep d/t the movie and recent numerical coincidences related to said movie. Gonna tuck in w/ a heavy, blunt object for protection and turn on all the lights. :\ g'nite

The voices in my head read books to me

2008-05-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

Dominic suggested, nay, insisted that in order to get the most out of the Narnia movies, I need to read the book. Which I don't doubt. The man has good taste and I totally trust his opinion. Plus, I know he's really wanting to see the new Narnia movie but he is being ever so patient with me while I read the book so that I'll enjoy the movie more. That incredible patience relays the importance of reading the book, don't you think? And especially with the kind of story that Narnia is- which is a series of chronicles that make up an entire book. Lots of little happenings get lost when they try to condense and manufacture epic tales into a tailored two-hour presentation.
The other day Dominic and I were looking at books on tape and Narnia happened to be one of them. Among the voice talents listed were Patrick Stewart and Michael York. I could listen to either one of those voices read anything to me- all day, everyday, "fo' ten day" ;) (sorry-little insidey humor. i'll explain later.) Patrick Stewart especially. He could read the ingredients off a box of Hamburger Helper and I would be completely enchanted. So for as much as I enjoy reading and can make up character voices and accents and all that other dialogue-y, imagination-y stuff that goes with reading to yourself, I prefer to have Patrick Stewart interpret a story and read it to me. I have a very good memory of what his voice sounds like in my head and so, as I read Narnia today, I'm going to use that voice of Patrick Stewart in my head to narrate the stories for me. And just for fun, right before I open the book, I'll have to make the Patrick Sterwart in my head say, in his deepest, most powerful Jean-Luc Picard tone say, "Narnia-Engage."

for saying i miss writing-it's an awfully short post.

2008-05-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

so one of the reasons why i started to blog is because i like to write. i miss writing. that's all.

both will be around with the cock-a-roaches after a nuclear fallout

2008-05-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

So I just ate one of my guilty pleasures- a pepperoni pizza Hot Pocket. I say "guilty" pleasure because I've been cutting back on the amount of processed foods from my diet. Hot Pockets, I'm pretty sure, are up there with Twinkies as far as chemical preservatives and processed ingredients. Love me some Twinkies, too, but I haven't had one for sooooo long solely based on the notion that they are the world's most notorious processed food. I've heard they have a shelf life of a decade or more. Unofficial shelf life said to be only 25 days - http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A46062-2005Apr12.html
but still, that's a long time.
So-why do I think it's acceptable to eat Hot Pockets but not Twinkies given that Hot Pockets prolly aren't any better for us? And which way do I go from here? Do I break the "No Twinkie"seal and just start eating Twinkies with reckless abandon? Or do I reinforce the seal with a "No Hot Pockets, either" seal? Think I need to go mull this over with a giant quad shot latte and some sugar free fruit-flavored chewing gum.

first post

2008-05-22T07:20:00.000-07:00

Yo- check,check! Is this thing on? :)