Breakfast in Bed...with Barack!

Unfortunately, no sex was involved. I was a friend of the Obama's and Barack and I were just kickin' it, clothes on, on top of the covers, in a waterbed (as is customary, I suppose) watching TV. There was a box of Fruity Pebbles on the nightstand. It tumbled over and, like, waves of Fruity Pebbles were pouring out so we started "splashing" Fruity Pebbles on each other.Then we just started burying ourselves up to the neck with the stuff. I jokingly asked him if he had hired help to clean it up. He said, "Yeah- I could call Lauren. Hahaha! She wears too much mascara."
The End.
Fucking bizarre.

Semester Blues or There Are Tiny, Starving Kids, With Cleft Lips and No Legs, In Asia Who Would Love To "Suffer" Like This. Just Fucking Handle It

7 a.m.
*Alarm buzz*
Wake up
Shower
Twitter
Food
Coffee
Hair
Clothes
Where are my keys?
Where's my phone?
Where's my books?
Love you, Dom *kiss* bye!
Start the car
F*ck, where's my wallet?
Found the wallet
School
*daydreaming about: Dominic. Maybe I should build a garden box this summer. I haven't made raisins for a long time. *dirty thoughts* gotta go to the gym today. that guy in ER was crazy. need to clean the apt. Did I forget the staff meeting at work again? What's for lunch? When am I gonna be able to do laundry? Poverty, homelessness, war. Oh sh*t, when are those assignments due? The ones that take hours to finish yet have nothing to do with nursing in the real world? I have to pee. Jadyn.*

Gym- Thinking I shouldn't be here. I have stuff to do. I've gained 10 lbs in the last four months, though. I can't get as big as I was.

Home from school
Hi Jadyn! *hugs* Can't play sweetie, I have homework to do.
Hi Dom! Can't talk, relax, contribute anything to the relationship, or watch cool internets with you, baby, I have homework to do.
*detatch*
*pout*
*hate myself a little for being so uptight*

Leave to do homework
Ugh!Where ARE my keys?

Sit at the Flying M till my ass hurts and my brain is numb.
-Hmm. Wait. Switch that?-
Sit at the Flyin M till my ass is numb and my brain hurts.

*Associating medicine and health care with anxiety. I don't want to be a nurse anymore. My passion for it is dying. Who did I think I am, trying to go to college, anyway? What am I going to do with myself? My spark is suffocating*

The keys are missing again.
Found them! They are in my pocket that I checked 10 times.


Maybe I'll go out
(When I'm out, I'm thinking I can't be here, I still have stuff to do. But I'm so tired of not having any friends because I always have stuff to do.I feel lonely, needy, pathetic.)

Home finally.
Hey baby! *big, BIG hugs and lots of kisses* Scratch his back.
Food
Jammies
A bit o'LOST or part of a movie
Sleep (maybe)
Repeat 4 days a week x 15 weeks

(Add weekends. Twelve hour day shifts Fri, Sat, Sun. But it's ok. Work is what keeps me sane. Patient care forces me outta my head.)

Thankful to be accepted into a program. Thankful for my job. Thankful for Dominic's patience. Thankful for many things.

One more year. All this will be worth it.
*exhale*

Tweeting pre-twitter. It's called "taking notes"

3/19
18:15
-Made it through TSA at BOI. They needed to pat me down. I guess I just have that affect on people.
18:17
-@Geekdom needs food badly.
1820
-Eyeing the arcade. All my faves are there- pinball, racecar, and kiddie rides. I'm serious.
1822
-Quizno's for @Geekdom=win. "11 bucks for this! Well, with the water it's 11 bucks"=FAIL
-Watching @Geekdom fight with his poorly constructed sandwich. It keeps falling apart. He manages to stay on top of it's game, though.
1825
"People judge a city by it's airport food. "Boise sucks. The food at the airport is terrible.'"--@Geekdom
1845
-Spent $1 on 5 minutes of pinball though I have my DS with me.
1900
-So we board on the back end of the plane. Which end of Oceanic 815 made it to the island?
1925
-Sitting on plane. Made @Geekdom an iPod holder out of a barf bag a la http://tinyurl.com/clvxrv
1928
-Oh, hai, Dr. Who works at St.Al's! (Shit. Wait. Didn't Oceanic 815 have a Dr. on it?)
1930
-TAKE OFF >:D This is the BEST PART!
1945
-No Sky Mall catalog. Booo.

1945 (Pacific time)
-Mt Ranier looks gorgeous. All white and covered with clouds. Looks like a huge pile of mashed potatoes. This means something.....

2015
-Our gate for the next flight is S-Gate. STARGATE!!!

2040
- BK (BrightKite) Checking in at Anthony's Restaurant Seattle Airport.

2050
- Oh man. Blackened Halibut tacos at Anthony's. Mega Yum :9

2150
-Killin time before our red eye flight
2250
-Yes!!! Sky Mall!!!
2300
-Watching Diggnation SXSW w/ @Geekdom. Funny stuff.

2330
-Never flown at night before.

0530 (Eastern Time)
-Landing. It's fun in the My-GOD-I-hope-we-don't-bounce-off-the-runway-sort of way.


0600 (Eastern Time)
-Watching the sunrise at Detroit airport :)

Philosophizing about growing pangs/pains

I like growing. I crave it. I'm excited by new possibilities. I jump head first into them. Sometimes, however, new experiences lead to new introspection which leads to insights that may or may not be so positive.
What do people do once they realize that, through the process of their own experiences and introspection, that they have lead themselves to a point of view which is no longer copasetic with their current state of being?
In other words, is a bird in the hand really worth two in the bush? Am I sacrificing what I know I want for something I think is better for now?
Is this new possibility too new? Am I ready for it? Have other people felt this way in their lives? How often? And what do they do about it?

Us and Them

I've squished a lot of bugs in my time. Ants, especially as of late. It must be really tough to be an insect what with all these people around. We squish them. We run over them. We suck them up with our vacuums. We rinse them in scalding hot water and send them down the drain (Calm down. I only use scalding hot if it's a big one and I feel the need to stun it first for my own safety. Other wise, a comfy tepid temperature will do.) We unleash various forms of chemical warfare on them (Lysol seems to be a good cheap insecticide. For me anyway. And cinnamon. Ants really don't like cinnamon. Plus, it's such a fine dust that it clogs their networks of tracheas that they breathe through and they asphyxiate. Take that nugget with you when you audition for Jeopardy!. You'll be a shoe-in. But I digress....).
We also unwittingly house them and feed them. Sometimes, they feed on us (mosquitoes,ticks and such). And ya know, they were on this planet first. We must seem like parasites to them. If you follow that line of reasoning, we live off their land; some of us eat them. We can die from infestations and bites. They can kill us. We have a sort of reciprocal host/parasite relationship with them. This goes for most species on the planet really. That's another post altogether, though.
My point is....as our population increases and each one of us kills more and more insects, do they adapt by breeding more and more? Do their populations grow with ours? Insects outnumber us, I think. But just to stay ahead of us, do they breed more if we do? I just wonder if there's been a study on this. That's all.

"Are You There, Prozac? It's Me, Hilary."

Haven't posted for awhile. Right now I'm totally caffeinated and feel like I have something to say but don't know what to say or how to even say it. I seem to have that problem a lot, I think. I have all these big ideas but when it comes time to verbalize them in front of people, I suddenly forget how to form flowing, coherent sentences. Do I live in my head too much? Do I lack the confidence to speak? Maybe a little of both. For as bold as I sell myself to be, when it comes down to it, I really feel that I am un-dynamic.

But how do I define "dynamic"? Well-spoken, confident, daring, adaptable, skilled, knowledgeable, sociable, experienced, graceful, able to look good in day or evening wear, and able to pull it all off effortlessly, or at least give the illusion that effort is not required.

I'm not much of an "illusionist". There's my first problem. I'm a bit raw. Nothin' wrong with that except it's not in my definition of "dynamic".

S'pose by selling myself as "bold", I'm creating the illusion that I'm dynamic. But I'm not. I don't speak intelligently, I lack confidence, and I live in my head. My version of "day wear" and "evening wear" is scrubs n' tennis shoes (day) vs. cargo capri pants n' flip flops (eve). My skills are limited to bedpans, warm-hearted one-liners, and a pretty smile. I know random bits of trivia which may dazzle some people, but even when innovative ideas get sparked by my useless trivia, those ideas seem to disintegrate. Then, if I google my inspirations and curiosities, much of what I learn gets fragged in my mind somehow. That's why I can't form cohesive sentences on intelligent topics during conversation. My mind is fragged and can't extract the info in the time and order that I need it.

My mind needs a defrag.

I need to practice confidence and socializing. I never know what to say. I can only learn that kind of skill from others at this point, I think. I'm able to learn it, but then I also need the confidence to apply it.

Why? Why can't I just be happy with being socially retarded? And raw and clumsy and shameless. There's a boldness in that. There's a effortlessness in that. I mean, it would take more effort to try to be something I'm not. I'd really like to grow, though.

For f's sake. I'm 30. This post sounds like the ramblings of a 16 year old.

Like everyone else, I'm a work in progress (OMG, that sounds so...Oprah) and I'm never gonna be the dynamo I thought I would be by now. But I'm not afraid to admit that. I'm not afraid to get wrinkles, either. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'd really rather not be, but if that's what being innately socially goofy gets me, then so be it. I'm not afraid that I have no future, cuz I do have one. I'm confident that I'll keep learning new things, everyday, whether they stick in my head or not. I'm not afraid to help people when they need it. I'm not afraid to try things.

Like everyone else, I'm really just here killin' time till the end. Don't know why we're here or how long we're gonna be here, so perfection, "dynamicism", all that,is kinda vain and doesn't really matter too much, I suppose. That being said, moping over one's own insecurities is vain,too. ;)

Guess it's time for a quote. I'm gonna be thoughtful about this one.

"I've made millions of mistakes. Shed millions of tears. 1,000,000 profanities. Millions of missed opportunities. One million acts of jealousy. One million glances stolen from across the room. Millions of what ifs. Feeling one million miles away from home. I've hesitated for one million wrong reasons and rushed into outcomes one million times worse than before. I've lied one million times. One million hidden truths. I've heard one million unwritten love songs. 1,000,000 thoughts about ending it all. 1 million wasted thoughts on millions of useless ideas. One million people I don't know in this city. That song for that girl replayed one million times. One million fairytale endings that will never come true. One million stars above my head. One million grains of sand beneath my feet. One million acts of shame. One million burned bridges. One million sighs. One million cries for help. One million emotional deaths.
And yet....absolutely no regrets.
(Pssst.....one million isn't as big as you think)
-Herschell

(dunno who this is, but it's a nice quote. it reminds me that things are big and small and valid and silly at the same time. just shrug your shoulders, and enjoy the ride, basically.)

*sigh* *shrug* *smile*
thanks for your time.

there's plenty of fish in the sea, dear

*sigh* still no phone. maybe it left because it has seen my posts and is embarrassed to be associated w/me. :( i thought we had so much going for us, though......

oh well. i'm not hurt. there will be others. i'm still young and beautiful and plenty capable of getting other phones. perhaps one day i'll find "the one"-the special phone that will want to stay with me forever.

now i just need to figure out what i'm going to do about the giant tat on my back that says "celly 4 eva" in old english. :I